Saturday, January 30, 2010

Top 10 Places to Move the KSM Trial

The plans of President Obama and Attorney General Eric Holder to hold the trial of 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (KSM) in Manhattan have gone awry.

Security and cost concerns have reached a fever pitch, not to mention the longstanding opposition to granting a terrorist at war with America a civilian trial instead of facing a military tribunal.

At the least, a new venue is needed and various sites are being proposed. Here is the list of the top 10 places to move the KSM trial:

10. Dearborn, Michigan. The Muslim capital of America and the home court in the "Great Satan" for KSM. Holder would select this locale if he wants to be sure KSM receives a trial decided by a jury of his peers.

9. Los Angeles. Holder would track down and recruit the same jurors from the OJ Simpson trial on the grounds that as long as Obama wants to do favors for terrorists, like giving them the same rights as all Americans, this is a good way to do it. Marsha Clark, Chirstopher Darden, and all those lovable defense lawyers would be asked to reprise their roles as well.

8. Austin, Texas. The home base of Alex Jones, leader of the "9/11 was an inside job" conspiracy theory. Jones could be called in as an expert witness (and simulcast on his radio show) that KSM, Osama bin Laden, and al Qaeda had nothing to do with 9/11. It was a plot by George W. Bush. A plane never crashed into the Pentagon, no, it was a missile. Holder and Obama seem like the sort of folk who would be ripe for this explanation.

7. Las Vegas. Where does a show trial belong if not in the entertainment capital of the world? If you want a good show, you go to Vegas. Nevada Senator Harry Reid would be granted the right to give a campaign speech during the proceedings and distribute his campaign literature in the lobby. It's only fair since he's got a tough election coming up.

6. Washington, DC. Specifically, Rep. Barney Frank's apartment, the same one from which a male prostitution ring was run. Holder and Obama are prostituting the American justice system with this trial, so what better way to drive home the symbolism. And Barney won't mind, he can use the opportunity to expand his rolodex.

5. San Francisco/Berkeley. Ask the locals: Are you with us or against us? What do you suppose they would say? Holder would ask them all: We can release into your community KSM or George W. Bush; which one do you want? KSM, of course, playing the modern-day role of Barabbas.

4. Parmatown Mall, Parma, Ohio. The location of Rep. Dennis Kucinich's local office near Cleveland. Kucinich, one of Congress' most liberal members, has stated that KSM and Osama bin Laden deserve the same basic rights as all Americans, according to the Constitution. This civilian trial is a victory for him. Congrats. The trial participants can shop in the mall during downtime but be careful in the parking lot.

3. Governors Island, New York. This former royal hangout has been trumpeted as a great location by some, despite the lack of a jail, its proximity to NYC, and the security problems of transporting KSM there. But on the plus side, the Smothers Brothers were born there, and high comedy is expected.

2. Chicago.
Obama's old stomping ground, not to mention Al Capone. You can get any kind of verdict you want in Chicago as long as you know how to play the game, and Obama may not have a clue how to govern in a democracy, as opposed to a socialist state, but he knows how to play a Chicago-style game.

1. Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Forget the civilian trial. Judge KSM at a military tribunal, and then hang him. Everyone wins. Or hold him there until he croaks. Legal experts say, oh no, military tribunal judgments aren't as tough as those in civilian courts because the former wants to prove it's fair and the latter wants to prove it's not a pushover. But the experts forget the question here isn't about getting the right verdict, it's about the rights we should give to terrorists as war with America.

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