Monday, April 13, 2015

Private Coffee Clubs Are The Future

A cafe called SL28 is London’s—and maybe the world’s—first members-only coffee club.

I say private coffee clubs hold a great future in the United States. If I were more of an entrepreneur, I just might start one myself. Coffeehouses aren't going away, more are coming, and customers will demand special perks that private membership can offer.

SL28 caters to “self-employed millennials who just need reliable wi-fi.”

I don’t know about London and what sort of undesirables are permitted to habituate their coffee shops, but the thought of a private club that turns away unwanted riffraff—crazies, vagrants, homeless and the full gamut of criminal types—holds immense appeal to me. I visualize all the repellant people outside the café peering through the windows, unable to get near me, while I am inside enjoying coffee and writing my novel surrounded by well-mannered beautiful people.

It’s a wonderful thought. Except I've noticed here in the Washington DC area that money doesn't buy manners, and people with money are as graceless and foul as anyone raised in a trailer park or ghetto. No one but no one has any manners in the old sense. Everyone acts as if they were raised in a slum. So then, will a private club really separate me from disagreeable folks?

I envision a private cafe with attentive and pleasant baristas whose first thought isn't—is that customer of my race and ethnic background and if not, how should I treat him, good or bad?

A good cup of coffee every time. Milk containers always full, napkin dispensers the same. Tables wiped clean. Chairs with all four legs touching the floor evenly.

And house rules that are followed to the letter or you are thrown out the door and your membership revoked:

  • don’t tell other people how to sit, where to sit, to open or close the blinders next to them for your convenience while you sit elsewhere, etc.
  • don’t compete with the house music with your own blaster
  • don’t position your chair so you are too close to others who are not with you
  • don’t ask others who are doing their own thing to drop what they are doing and take your picture or engage in your conversation, or attempt to control strangers in any way

But I'm convinced somehow the sort of people I want to escape from would find a way to finagle a club membership—coffee welfare for the oppressed.

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